One of the people I work with on a non-profit board has a day job in the leadership development space. The last time we were running an event together, she gave an impromptu mentoring session to 5 women, including myself, about being a leader. It centered around her new favorite most commonly used phrase:

Silence is NOT the same as consensus.

In my version of her words, silence is not the same as consent.

Think about the last time you were in a work meeting where leadership presented the next steps, or told everyone present about what was expected of them. Whether that’s putting the nose further to the grindstone with more effort, or cutting budgets, or spending more time in the office for a hybrid or remote role, leadership likely told, and the others around the table likely sat silently. In fact, those around the table may not even have been willing to make eye contact.

Silence and avoiding eye contact is a feeling powerless version of dissent. They don’t even feel empowered enough to argue with you, but you’ve trapped them so they can’t run away.

You may be thinking – Why does this matter to me, I’m not in leadership?

Actually, you are. If you are reading my financial education articles, likely you are in a financial leadership position in your household or in your family.

Maybe you see lack of consensus in silence about the family budget, of time or of money. Maybe you see it in some other household issue. In politics, silence is often the resort of the less extreme.

What is the best way to make sure consensus has been achieved? It needs to include a dialogue. If the topic is contentious, that dialogue shouldn’t be short, and it shouldn’t be in a single session. As the empowered one, you likely need to be the one bringing up the topic, and encouraging others to talk, in a way that doesn’t make them feel threatened. If you’re the one leading, try to be the one doing less of the talking, and let the non-leading party talk last.

Their silence does not mean you’ve achieved consensus.

Give it a try at your next budget meeting with your spouse. And then observe how sticking to a mutually-set budget works in the following month, compared to how a you-set budget has worked in the past. I hope you’ll be pleasantly surprised.