Introduction

I just finished reading the book Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children, by Rita Eichenstein PhD (also available at RPL), a “licensed psychologist who “specializes in pediatric neuropsychological assessments and parent training skills”. Her book is designed for parents of children who do not fit the norm, whether because they’re bright and quirky, or have specific medical diagnoses, or a host of other types of atypicalness. She presented to a parent group I belong to, and I thought she had enough good points in her presentation specific to our parent group needs that I hopped onto the library website to immediately put her book on hold.

There was a lot of this book that I found valuable. As a parent of an atypical child, as someone trying to get through a society that constantly bombards us with more negativity than support, and as someone who is experiencing the corporate environment that’s been proclaiming for years now that we are responsible for our lack of mental resilience (with all of the self-blame that comes from A-players constantly being told their failures to succeed are their own fault), it was good to see someone addressing this topic. If any of these things sound like what you or someone you love is experiencing, please read on.

Key take aways

The end of the introduction started with reassurance – you are the best person for this job, however overwhelmed and out of place you are. Despite your feelings of failure, you can be successful beyond reasonable expectations! “research reveals how much we all have in common: our imperfections and frailties, our ability to adapt, our fears, our resilience, our bravery. While your atypical child may have come as a huge surprise to you, I will be that in the end, the biggest revelation will be how well you rise to the occasion. Maybe sputtering and failing around a bit – but you will rise!”

Chapter 1 also ended with reassurance:

As you continue on this journey, I will help you move towards greater acceptance of yourself, your child, and those around you.

Chapter 3 centers on anger and blame. The blame portion struck me as being directly analogous to what many of us encounter in the corporate workplace these days, under the guise of supporting us to develop resilience. “self-blame becomes habitual and chips away at your emotional resilience, bit by bit.” Instead of self-blaming, the author encourages us to “try to remember that you are doing the best you can”, and to develop and practice self-forgiveness. If you are encountering blame in your corporate environment, don’t continue this illusion and damage to your emotional resilience at home.

Chapter 3 also described an event we have in our household regularly, in a way I’d never seen it explained before. The author’s story was about a 5 year old with high functioning autism, who often times seems normal and then suddenly decompensates, has a deterioration of mastered skills that are assumed to be self-control related. Suddenly the person in question could no longer compensate for (handle) factors that push them off-balance, such as stress, fatigue, or too much stimulation. It’s like the dam that is invisibly being eroded and then the flood bursts its banks suddenly; you can see the signs if you look for them, and it’s not the dam’s fault it’s being pushed past it’s designed structural specifications, but most people will be caught unaware and blame the dam. The author didn’t call out this additional factor, but besides stress, fatigue, and over stimulation, we also witness this among people who are sensitive to food timing (eg those who get Hangry).

The last piece I wanted to pull forward for you was in Chapter 4, where the author describes what happens when we strive and strive and strive and constantly fail. If we can’t search for, find, and acquire all of what we need to survive, the seeking system crashes, and we become depressed. This may be something you experience yourself, this may be something your child is experiencing. In the pandemic, where we are all left wanting the levels of care and resources and physical interactions that we normally would have, while also either suffering from a lack of work or too much of it, brain chemical imbalances (depression) is a normal outcome to be aware of.

Conclusion

I found this book valuable. As genetics is a strong component of what makes my own children atypical, this book is now on my required reading list for my children before they become parents themselves. We talk regularly in our household about how strength and independence are vital, but that some situations are too much and a village is needed – and that there’s no shame and much to be won by knowing the difference.

Do you have a not societally accepted, atypical situation? How are you coping? Do you have the support network, the skills, the time, and the energy, to get all of your important bases covered?

Take care, my friends.